Making time

I would love to blog more often. But I can hardly find time to tweet! Have signed up my mobile so I can update on the go but at the end of the day who cares anyway.

I had a filling meal at Ranoush Juice; prior to that, got some shoes from H&M as my toes were peeping out of my Bata flats; prior to that tried to go vintage dress shopping at Portobello but as I was edging towards Notting Hill – smart me started from Ladbroke Grove – it got too crowded and my friend and I gave up and retreated. Bank Holiday + Labour Day crowds I bet.

I’m so comfortable and so happy. I may not be on TV, or in the latest magazine, but I’m so happy to be able to just chill and hang out, eat, have wholesome fun with friends. Definitely happier to be in London as a lot of my friends are here.

When I was in the Midlands most of my time was spent on the computer, playing computer games, rehearsing for gigs, playing gigs. I never went on holiday, had fairly mundane jobs, holding on to the dream. I got very agitated when I saw some frontwomen on TV recently because I could be doing that, and I do that very well. Yes, I’m going book gigs, yes I’m gonna write songs again…but maybe my priorities have changed? Somehow I feel – as morbid as it may be – that the last ever thought I’d ever have won’t be ‘I wish I was famous’ or ‘I wish I was a rockstar’…it’ll be more like ‘I wish I prayed more’ and ‘I love my family’. Wasted potential yes.

Since moving here I prefer spending time with people who mean something to me rather than people I should hang out with because they might get me that gig or some other favour. Maybe now I’ll make more ‘chill’ music because I’m not reliant on it as a ‘business’, and knowing the power of the niche it might actually be better than making music like chipmunks on speed.

Also I don’t really miss the lifestyle of waiting around for your gig to start, kinda fake people you ‘know’ and you always say hello to and don’t go much beyond that, trying to sell T-shirts and CDs, spending lots of money on rehearsals for gigs that suck, spending time + effort + money on merchandise, and the temptation to get off with someone. Pretty much sex, alcohol and rock n’ roll. I do miss performing, and creating structured sounds and noises, and I like recording a lot because that’s when we sound best, esp with a wizard producer.

I used to think, maybe I like to perform cos I like approval. It may have been the case, but the more experience I have the more I couldn’t give a shit – I know I’m good/just what I am. There’s no ‘kick’ to applause – they’re just being polite anyway. Those who howl are my friends, really. But it is LOVELY to have a few fans. People I never knew before liking us just through our music/performance. Unbelievable sometimes – but I guess if I find the pidgin amount of people actually liking us unbelievable then I’m not cut out for superstardom really, am I? Heheh.

Anyhoo. I’m happy and comfortable and looking forward to snuggling up in bed. Good night.

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